5 Signs of Nervous System Dysregulation Every Mediator Needs to Recognize

By Admin • 05 Nov 2025

Three weeks into my mediation practice, I was getting pretty good at reading the room. I could spot when someone was getting defensive. I knew how to handle raised voices. I understood positional bargaining versus interest-based approaches.

Then I sat across from a faculty member in a grievance mediation who seemed perfectly fine — until she wasn’t.

One moment, she was articulating her concerns clearly. The next, she stared at me with glassy eyes and couldn’t remember what we’d just discussed. When I asked her a simple clarifying question, she looked panicked and said, “I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

I’d completely missed the signs that her nervous system was shutting down. By the time I recognized something was wrong, she was already deep into a freeze response that took 30 minutes to recover from.

As I wrote in my recent piece about [realizing neutrality wasn’t enough], traditional mediation training doesn’t teach us to recognize nervous system dysregulation. We’re trained in processes, communication techniques, and managing difficult emotions. But we’re not taught what to do when someone’s biology hijacks their ability to participate in the process we’re facilitating. Thankfully, I did have previous experience and training. I just didn’t think, until that moment, that trauma-informed care would need to be considered within a faculty grievance or HR concern. But as I left that conference room, I remembered the training.

After that faculty mediation, I re-immersed myself in neuroscience, trauma research, and polyvagal theory. I started watching for specific signs in my family mediations and civil disputes. I learned to intervene earlier, before complete dysregulation made productive dialogue impossible.

Today, I’m sharing the five signs I watch for in every mediation — and more importantly, what I actually do when I see them.

Understanding What You’re Actually Seeing

In case you're unfamiliar, before I begin explaining the specific signs, let me briefly explain what nervous system dysregulation actually means.

When we feel safe, our ventral vagal system keeps us in what’s called “social engagement mode.” In this state, we can think clearly, communicate effectively, take others’ perspectives, and solve problems creatively. This is the state where mediation works.

Under perceived threat, we shift into either sympathetic activation (fight-or-flight) or dorsal vagal shutdown (freeze). In these survival states, the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, empathy, and problem-solving — goes offline.

This isn’t a weakness. It’s not someone being difficult or resistant. It’s biology doing precisely what it’s designed to do: protect us from perceived danger.

Here’s what matters for us as mediators: Once someone is significantly dysregulated, no matter how brilliant a facilitator you are, you will not help until they return to a regulated state.

The good news? You can learn to spot dysregulation early and intervene before someone crosses into a state where meaningful dialogue becomes neurologically impossible.

Sign #1: The Sudden Memory Gap

What it looks like: Someone who was tracking the conversation perfectly suddenly can’t remember key facts. They lose track of what they just said. They ask you to repeat something you’ve explained twice already. They look confused about information they clearly knew moments earlier.

What’s happening neurologically: Under stress, the hippocampus (responsible for memory formation and retrieval) gets disrupted. This isn’t someone being evasive or difficult — their brain literally cannot access information it knows.

Real example from my practice: In a family mediation about estate distribution, one sibling had been clearly articulating the timeline of their mother’s decline. Then her brother made a comment about “convenient timing,” and suddenly she couldn’t remember what month their mother had been hospitalized. She looked at me with panic: “Why can’t I remember? I was just there. Why can’t I remember?”

What I did about it: Immediately, I normalized what’s happening without pathologizing. “It’s completely normal for stress to affect memory. This happens to everyone. Let’s slow down for a moment.” Then it is important to shift attention away from memory retrieval to present-moment experience: “What’s happening for you right now? What do you need in this moment?” In this case, I suggested a brief break. “Let’s take five minutes. Sometimes stepping away helps information come back.” (As an additional note, to ensure I am not putting anyone on the spot, I will often frame the break as something I need. “I’m so sorry, I really need to use the restroom. Let’s take a quick break and reconvene in five minutes.” At all times, I want to protect all parties, so I can take the blame if needed.)

Why this works: You’re removing the pressure to perform (which increases stress), normalizing their experience (which reduces shame), and creating space for their nervous system to settle enough that memory function can return.

What NOT to do: Don’t push harder for the information. Don’t question whether they actually know it. Don’t move forward as if the information doesn’t matter. All of these increase dysregulation.

Sign #2: The Rigidity Shift

What it looks like: Someone who was demonstrating flexibility and nuance suddenly becomes absolutely positional. Either-or thinking replaces complexity. They repeat the same point over and over. They can’t hear any perspective but their own. The collaborative person you were working with moments ago has become rigid and defensive.

What’s happening neurologically: When the nervous system shifts into threat mode, thinking becomes binary — safe or dangerous, right or wrong, with me or against me. This is protective: in actual danger, you don’t want nuanced thinking, you want clear, fast decisions. But in mediation, it prevents the very flexibility needed for resolution.

Real example from my practice: During a civil dispute mediation, one party had been exploring various settlement options with genuine openness. Then the other party made a comment that triggered something, and suddenly it was: “I want exactly $50,000. Not $49,000, not $51,000. Exactly $50,000, or we’re done here.”

The same person who’d been considering creative solutions was now locked into one number with an intensity that didn’t match the situation’s actual stakes.

What I did about it: First, I recognized this as a nervous system response, not a negotiation tactic. This keeps me from getting frustrated or feeling like the mediation is failing. Then, I slow everything down. “I hear how important this is. Let’s take a moment here.” I literally pause. Silence is okay. Next, I get curious (not confrontational) about the underlying need: “Help me understand what this number represents for you. What would getting exactly this amount mean to you?”

More often than not, this reveals that the rigidity is actually about something else — fairness, being heard, feeling respected, maintaining dignity. Once we address the underlying need, flexibility often returns.

Why this works: You’re working with the nervous system response rather than fighting it. You’re helping them articulate what’s beneath the rigid position, which engages the prefrontal cortex and can help shift them out of threat mode.

What NOT to do: Don’t point out their inconsistency (“But five minutes ago you said…”). Don’t push them to be reasonable. Don’t dismiss their position as extreme. All of these confirm that they’re in danger and need to defend harder.

Sign #3: The Breathing Change

What it looks like: Breath becomes shallow, rapid, or held. You might notice chest breathing instead of belly breathing. Or conversely, someone seems to stop breathing altogether — holding their breath during tense moments.

What’s happening neurologically: Breath changes are among the earliest signs of nervous system activation. Shallow, rapid breathing is a sign of sympathetic (fight-or-flight) activation. Holding your breath or very slow breathing can signal a freeze response. The breath-brain connection is bidirectional — breath changes signal a threat to the brain, and perceiving threat changes breathing.

Real example from my practice: In a faculty grievance mediation, I noticed the faculty member’s breathing became rapid and shallow when the department chair began explaining the decision-making process. Within two minutes, she was barely able to follow the conversation. I’d waited too long to intervene.

Now, I watch breathing from the moment people enter the room. It’s one of my earliest warning systems.

What I do now: Immediately, as subtly as possible, I shifted my own breathing, taking slow, deep breaths. Nervous systems attune to each other — my regulated breathing can help co-regulate theirs.

If it continues: I explicitly invite breath: “Let’s all take a breath together.” Then I actually model it — full breath in, full breath out. This isn’t woo-woo, it’s neuroscience. Intentional breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which counteracts the stress response.

For held breath: “I notice we’re all holding a lot of tension. I know this will sound silly, but I promise this works. Please take a breath with me.” Sometimes just naming what’s happening releases it. If needed, I combine breathing with grounding: “Feel your feet on the floor as you breathe. Notice the chair supporting you.”

Why this works: Breath is the fastest, most accessible way to influence the nervous system state. Unlike emotions or thoughts, breath can be directly controlled. When you help someone regulate their breathing, you’re giving them a tool to influence their entire physiological state.

What NOT to do: Don’t ignore breathing changes. Don’t assume they’ll calm down on their own. By the time breathing has changed noticeably, dysregulation is already advancing.

Sign #4: The Glazed Look (Dissociation)

What it looks like: Eyes go distant or glassy. The person seems to be looking past you rather than at you. They’re physically present but seem psychologically absent. They may respond with one-word answers or not respond at all. Sometimes called “the thousand-yard stare.”

What’s happening neurologically: This is dorsal vagal shutdown — the freeze response. When fight or flight seems impossible, the nervous system essentially shuts down to survive an overwhelming threat. The person is still in the room, but their consciousness has essentially left to protect itself. This is the most severe form of dysregulation and requires immediate intervention.

Real example from my practice: During a family mediation about elder care, I asked what seemed like a simple question about the mother’s current care needs. The daughter’s eyes went completely distant. She was staring somewhere beyond the wall behind me. When her sibling spoke, she didn’t react. She’d completely dissociated.

I’d unknowingly triggered a trauma response related to earlier experiences with their mother’s care. But I caught it quickly this time.

What I do now: Pause the mediation. This is non-negotiable. Continuing when someone is dissociated is not only ineffective, it’s potentially retraumatizing. Next, we need to orient them to present gently: I use their name. “Sarah.” Pause. “Sarah.” I might say, “Come back to the room. You’re safe here.” I lead them through a subtle grounding practice, helping them connect their body and environment, “Can you feel your feet on the floor? Notice three things you can see in this room. Feel the chair supporting you.”

We have to remember never to try and rush the process. Returning from dissociation takes time. I allow silence. I stay calm and present. Once they’re back, I check in: “That was intense. Do you need to stop for today, or would you like to continue after a break?” I let them decide, but I’m prepared to reschedule.

Why this works: You’re prioritizing the person’s well-being over the mediation process. You’re demonstrating that their experience matters more than procedural momentum. This builds trust and often allows the mediation to continue more effectively after appropriate grounding and, if needed, a break.

What NOT to do: Never continue as if nothing happened. Don’t touch someone who’s dissociated without permission — touch can be triggering. Don’t ask them to explain what just happened (they may not know or be able to articulate it). Don’t minimize: “You’re fine, let’s keep going.”

Sign #5: The Disproportionate Reaction

What it looks like: An emotional response that seems much bigger than the immediate trigger warrants. Someone becomes intensely angry over a small procedural point. They break down sobbing when discussing what seems like a minor detail. They become hostile when asked a routine question.

What’s happening neurologically: This isn’t really about what just happened — it’s about accumulated stress, past experiences, or hitting a deeply held value or fear. The current moment triggered a much larger response that was already loaded and ready to fire. Polyvagal theory calls this “neuroception” — the nervous system’s unconscious detection of threat based on past experiences.

Real example from my practice: In a civil dispute mediation about a contract disagreement, one party erupted in fury when I suggested we review the timeline of events. “Why does everyone think I don’t remember?! I remember perfectly well!” The intensity made no sense given my simple, neutral question.

Later, in caucus, they disclosed that in a previous legal matter, their memory had been questioned repeatedly in ways that felt demeaning. My innocent question had triggered that entire experience.

What I do now: I start by staying regulated myself. If I react to their reaction, I amplify the dysregulation. I take a breath and remind myself: this isn’t about me, and this response makes sense given something I don’t know yet. This is then followed by validating, without necessarily agreeing, “I can see this is really important to you.” Not “You’re overreacting” or even “Calm down” — just acknowledgment that their experience is real. Finally, I get curious about what’s beneath the reaction: “Help me understand what I just triggered for you. What’s this really about?” Often, they’ll explain the deeper concern or experience. If the intensity remains, I might suggest a caucus to explore what’s happening without the pressure of the other party’s presence.

Why this works: You’re treating the reaction as information rather than a problem to be managed. You’re helping the person understand their own response, which engages their prefrontal cortex and can help regulate the emotional intensity.

What NOT to do: Don’t tell them they’re overreacting (even if they are). Don’t dismiss their feelings. Don’t try to logic them out of their emotional state. Don’t get defensive if the reaction seems directed at you.

The Meta-Skill: Staying Regulated Yourself

Here’s what I’ve learned across my 20 years teaching communication, my patient advocacy work, and now my mediation practice: You cannot help someone else regulate if you’re dysregulated yourself.

Your nervous system state is contagious. If you’re anxious, so will the parties. If you’re rushed, they’ll feel pressured. If you’re frustrated, they’ll sense it and become defensive.

This means the most important dysregulation to monitor is your own.

I track my own state constantly:

• Am I holding my breath?
• Is my jaw clenched?
• Am I thinking “This isn’t working” or “They should just…”?
• Do I feel rushed or pressured to make progress?

These are signals that I need to regulate myself before I can help anyone else.

My regulation practices:

• Before sessions: I arrive early, settle my own nervous system, and set my intention
• During sessions, I take periodic deep breaths, release tension in my shoulders, and feel my feet on the floor.
• I use bathroom breaks as opportunities to reset.
• After challenging sessions (honestly, after every session), I debrief with colleagues, move my body, and journal.

This isn’t self-indulgence. It’s professional practice. My regulated presence is one of the most powerful tools I bring to mediation.

Putting It All Together: One More Story from My Own Experience

I was mediating a civil dispute. About 20 minutes in, I noticed Party A’s breathing had become shallow (Sign #3). I slowed my own breathing and suggested we all take a breath together. This helped temporarily.

Ten minutes later, Party B made a comment, and I watched Party A’s face shift. Their eyes went slightly distant (early Sign #4), and when I asked a follow-up question, they couldn’t remember what they’d just said (Sign #1).

I immediately suggested we caucus. Placing each person in a separate room. I let them know I would be right back, and I took a few minutes to give them both a moment to breathe. After the short break, I checked in with Party A. They shared that Party B’s comment had reminded them of something from their previous business partnership that felt deeply unfair. The current disagreement was activating that old experience.

I identify that what Party A was articulating was an underlying concern about fairness. Once that was on the table, we could address it directly. Party A’s nervous system settled because they felt heard, and we were able to move forward productively.

What made this work: I caught the signs early, before complete dysregulation. See it, I intervened promptly with a break and separation to prevent further triggering. I remained curious rather than frustrated with the situation. I also did my best to help them connect their reaction to its real source. This was essential. What made the real difference in my eyes was that I created space for the underlying issue to be addressed. Once that was achieved, the rest moved smoothly.

What could have happened if I’d missed the signs: Party A would have likely become increasingly dysregulated — probably moving into rigid either-or thinking (Sign #2) or possibly a disproportionate reaction (Sign #5). The mediation would have felt stuck. Party B would have become frustrated. The whole process might have ended in an impasse.

The Most Important Thing

What I want every mediator to understand: Recognizing dysregulation is not a distraction from our mediation work — it IS our mediation work.

We cannot facilitate productive dialogue with dysregulated parties. It’s neurologically impossible. The prefrontal cortex functions needed for perspective-taking, creative problem-solving, and collaborative decision-making simply aren’t available when someone is in a threat state.

This isn’t about being a therapist (as I quickly remind people every day, I am not a counselor or therapist). It’s also not about diagnosing trauma. It’s about understanding how human nervous systems actually work and structuring your process accordingly.

When you learn to recognize these five signs and intervene skillfully, several things happen:

Parties feel safer. They sense that you’re actually paying attention, that you understand what they’re experiencing, that the process can handle their distress.

Agreements improve. Regulated parties create better, more sustainable, and more detailed agreements than dysregulated parties.

Impasse decreases. Many “impossible” conflicts are actually dysregulated nervous systems, not incompatible interests.

Your practice becomes more sustainable. Understanding these dynamics reduces your own stress and vicarious trauma.

The Integration We Need

As I wrote in my previous piece about realizing neutrality wasn’t enough, the mediation field is at an inflection point. We know so much more now about how human beings actually function under stress. We understand nervous system regulation in ways we didn’t a decade ago.

We can ignore this knowledge and keep practicing as we were trained, or we can integrate it and deepen our practice.

Trauma-informed mediation isn’t about abandoning neutrality or facilitative principles. It’s about honoring them more fully. It’s recognizing that party self-determination requires parties that can access self-determination , which means nervous systems regulated enough to think, communicate, and decide effectively.

These five signs are your entry point into this deeper practice. Learn to see them. Practice intervening when you spot them. Notice what changes in your mediations. The conflicts that come to us are hard. The people in them are often struggling with more than just the immediate dispute. We can’t fix that — it’s not our role. But we can create conditions where their own wisdom and capacity for resolution can emerge. And that starts with recognizing when their biology is getting in the way of the very dialogue we’re trying to facilitate.

What signs of dysregulation do you notice most often in your mediations? What interventions have you found effective? I’d love to hear from other mediators navigating this integration. Share your experiences in the comments or connect with me to continue this conversation.

About the Author

Malynnda Johnson is a certified conflict mediator through the Michigan Supreme Court, board-certified patient advocate, and health communication expert with 20 years of experience teaching interpersonal and conflict communication. She specializes in trauma-informed facilitative mediation for family disputes, civil cases, and faculty grievances. She works specifically with HR professionals, medical clinics, universities, and families. Her practice is grounded in the principles of courage, curiosity, and compassion, and she trains others to recognize and respond to nervous system dysregulation. Connect with Malynnda on https://www.linkedin.com/in/malynndajohnson/ or check out her company, Compassionate Navigation, at compassionatenavigation.com.

Further Reading

If this resonates and you want to go deeper:

On Polyvagal Theory:

• The Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges
• Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection by Deb Dana

On Trauma and the Nervous System:

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
• In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine

On Trauma-Informed Practice:

• What Happened to You? by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey
• SAMHSA’s Trauma-Informed Approach and Trauma-Specific Interventions

On Mediation and Communication:

• Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton & Heen
• The Fearless Organization by Amy Edmondson